Another Day...

--for breath in my lungs, beat in my heart, Grace by my side
--for early morning prayers, and window side meditations
--for this home we are creating daily
--for falling in love with "us"
--for neosoul and the love and family that is still abound, no matter how old no matter how new...love is there
--for impromptu gatherings in the house that love and poetry built
--for growth and change
--for introspection...never easy, but necessary daily
--for my son still wanting to rest his head on momma's shoulder...i will never get tired of that feeling
--for sometimes being too much between us, but in an oh so good way
--for your beautiful soul and spirit, and our first housewarming gifts...so thoughtful
--for finally narrowing "our day" to march or april...whew
--for flowers just because of who i am as a woman...wow
--for it really being this damn good, though i know naysayers say it can't possibly be...lol well it is
--for strength in self
--for hanging out with one helluva woman on her bday, and us getting down on the dance floor
--for playing pool with such a sweet old man
--for hugs from my daddy...he missed me
--for this life i have been granted....all praises to the Most High within

Love Is...

in my world, she is the only perfection i know
besides this mother's pride thrice
stands tall and steadfast,
like her words
though it is her thoughts which reach me first
comforting
rocking my wounds to sleep
as she kisses each one to dream of healing
i am no longer afraid of mirrors
quick glances to avoid cracked reflections
or ghosts of past in peripherals
she challenges me to pull my hair back
face full forward, and smile
invite them all
of me
to this table
of me
let each of me speak
cry
yell
split into a million pieces if need be
its okay now
for she and i are hallowed ground
for when they have been heard
they
me
will heal
for they
are all of me
and i can't love myself
until i love myself all
why deny the ugly
which also makes me all the more beautiful?

Things I Have Learned Lately...

--i am really ok

--that once again my filter is gone to crap...just don't have time for folks and their insecurities, fakeness, stupidity, lack of warmth...you get the point

--that my voice is stronger because of this (above). i recently voiced something to my father that had been a painful area in my life since i was in high school, although i did not get much acknowledgement or an apology from him...the look in his eyes and me releasing this...well...was quite enough...whew

--that i can be friends with opposing sides without taking sides...and others well i smile and stay in my corner...though that one took a lil longer, 'cause someone i love deeply was/is involved...hey we all got our stuff...no more judgements here

--relationships, no matter how good, tend to ebb and flow...doesn't mean anything is wrong (though sometimes there can be issues), or the love is less or not present...just means that particular day is doing its own thing...no worries

--i like being alone sometimes, and doing my own thing

--being a mother, no matter the kids age, is still tough, heartbreaking, and misguided at times...but oh so rewarding and worth it, every bit of it.

--i am not your average mother, and my kids LOVE me for this...they told me lol

--this is the first time in ANY of my love relationships, i haven't had to worry about the "other" coming in...nor the lies that follow...do you know how friggin' freeing that is? i can love without worries again...thank you baby

--i still am haunted by you...but i am stronger now, fleeting thoughts

--i really don't like when folks cross me...and i am a bit warped lol...snicker but i like it

New Year Now...

--for the Creator, She, and Grace...where would i be without any of you
--for this life, and how i help create it
--for this woman of mine...wow...you are friggin' amazing
--for the words of me'shelle and the floacist...the voice, the words, the rhythm
--for the Kitchen Goddess within...makes tummies happy
--for my girl turning 40, welcome...life will be sweeter
--for this home we are transforming...love spoken here...saged blessings
--for my pen moving again...for my strong muse
--for cooler weather kissing these cheeks
--for my kids laughter filling their new home...they are a magnificent bunch
--for letting go and hanging on
--for thelma and louise...be careful not to cross lol
--for powerful energies...good and bad, and to know/feel the difference
--for true love residing in our hearts, oh how we have waited...this story has been written a long time ago...thank you for being my co-writer
--for early morning being still within my window
--for great coffee pots
--for knowing i am safe on solid ground
--for every morning i wake up, the first thing i see is you...first words i say are "thank you"
--for tay's 17th b'day...no no no...sigh...she is a great kid, even if mom can't handle the reality...tear
--for old photos and good memories in that moment...i will go with that
--for fingers in hair
--for seeing you again...even if you didn't see me
--for your days getting a bit better during these tough times
--for neosoul...feels like home again, feels new and exciting too

Catch Up Time....

yes i know its been a minute...a long minute blog world, but i am back. I apologize for my focus being elsewhere, not that i am apologizing for what my focus has been on, but the fact i have neglected this blog. Sooo, when i start getting protests for not updating...i know its time to get on it lol...love you lisa.
bare with me for a sec, as i will try to catch everyone, and myself, up on what has been going on in shelle's world...i am going to cheat a bit and make them separate posts, please see below for backtracking.
Life is beautiful...seriously...i just cannot stop smiling...and it shows.

Joy

--for the Universe which contains and blesses me
--for prayer...goes a long way
--for the most sweetest, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, electrifying, honest, blessed, honorable, crazy, intense, harmonious, i could keep going you know...love affair i have ever experienced...this lifetime
--for this lifetime. so good, had to repeat it
--for patience with self...she shows and teaches me even to do that
--for the growth and love that has deeply bloomed between me and my oldest
--for my awesome kids, each so different...all so friggin' great
--for truth, no matter how much it hurts, but its allowed me to let go and heal just a bit more
--for delete buttons..on facebook, on myspace, on computers, on cell phones, on life
--for moonlit nights, deep cool waters, and the perfect words asked...
--for the words "yes"
--for new beginnings with you on so many levels, sometimes i feel like my life has just started
--for bed talks with the kids, i will never give those up...and i pray they will not want to either
--for lanky arms that hug me everyday...a mother and her son...bond is something else
--for meeting the lil ones who are so important to her, and they wanting me to stay
--for new moves, new apartment, new car...taking care of business indeed
--for the people in my life who teach me about me, good, bad or indifferent...i learn
--for the enthusiasm and electric spirit of shella @ h.e.b. plus...she is my soulmate i swear lol
--for a lazy saturday afternoon with no agenda, but to be...just be
--for creativity raining on me
--for my love ring, wrapped so warmly around my life
--for much introspection, understanding, trusting, and loving self...whew its a lot
--for my brother soon taking one of the greatest journeys ever, trekking through south america for almost 2 months...start your prayers now please
--for those on board with what's going on in my life...thank you...and even for those who are not...take notes
--for times that felt like old times girl...we gonna be ok

Things I Have Learned About Myself...Lately...

this is something i am going to start doing...lil things i am realizing about myself or learning, whether good or bad (for lack of a better word)...things i know will not change, things i need to change...my growth, my backsliding, all of it...i will try to do it once a week, well try anyway...at least once a month...so much for once a week; but ya get what i am aiming for...

i am pretty damn funny, and i like to make people laugh...my comedic timing is quite on point...i didn't realize this before, but this safe place i am in lately, allows for the true me to shine

i think i am slowly losing my filter and my need to give a damn...seems to have gotten worse (or better, depends upon perspective) with age. i just don't have time for folks (or mine) BS, whining, or judgement anymore...like get with the program people...life is too short

i guess i really have never forgiven you, thought i did, and said i did...but guess truly i did not...and it is rearing its ugly head...in order for us to survive, i got to deal with this. i think it scares me i may not get past it (or i do), and still end up losing us.

i am one interesting chick...none like me

i am loving again the way i once did, and even loving myself a bit more because of it...because how can i love the way i need to, if i don't love myself the way i need to...i still have quite a ways to go, yet i am moving forward...even if they are baby steps

i don't like my mother...and though i need to work on it...i am okay with this fact

i am afraid i have lost my fire as a poet...it has been such a huge part of my life, but since falling in love, i have left a lot of it behind...just not angry any more, and my scars don't hurt as much...its not a bad thing though...i understand now what zae meant when he said between love and poetry, something/someone suffers...the trilogy cannot survive without consequences...i want to find my groove again with this mistress poetry, but i will choose THIS love anyday first!

my procrastination is just another word for avoidance...sigh

i am a brat, a spoiled brat, a cute one...but a brat nonetheless lol...and i don't care to work on it LOL...i like it

i notice big disagreements/terrible ugly fights tend to ensue during shifts/changes in my life...part of my flight or fight issues i believe...this one knocked me over the head when i realized it, and also looked back on my life...yep, every time...glad i am now aware, because that mess just ain't right.

i matter.

For....

--for this Life of mine, for this life in mine, for this life with mine...i am humbled
--for finally getting a grip on "not my time this year", oh but thank you for those who took me there....what were we thinking LOL
--for one of the baddest texas/national teams around, headed by one helluva awesome dude with big guns
--for growth in words, writing, performance, healing, and self....just wow
--for love all in the air, and its not even spring yet
--for true love seeping out and into my essence
--for showing the not so nice parts of me, yet you even love them, and love me even more for them
--for long talks out on the patio until the wee hours of the morning...there is nothing like thought provoking questions/answers
--for you...simply you...and the way you do what you do
--for great girl time...my tummy still hurts from the laughter
--for my babygirl and her goddess tendencies, she is such an amazing kid
--for being so much closer
--for feeding my family
--for the flowers she brings....all things of beauty need thorns to protect themselves
--for our first big one...and we made it through with better love
--for reaching out....you are always there
--for upcoming birthdays...hope you are well...yes
--for unconventional monogamous relationships...lol.....we define us
--for fudge....simply fudge...yum
--for the lil' things that make the big difference
--for sunshine and her growth this summer...just wow
--for working on the upside, at least trying...smile
--for the women in my life, so enriched by them...thank you
--for change, even the scary parts are saying it will be okay...just believe